You know those weeks where you’re just exhausted ALL WEEK? It was only Wednesday, but I’d felt that way since….thinking…..well, January, so it was one of those days where I was so excited to go to bed early. I was literally just about to fall asleep in my bed, the happiest moment of the day, when I remembered I hadn’t started the dryer because I had had to wait to clean the lint filter since I was brushing my teeth when I had put the tablecloth in it. I grudgingly got out of bed to start the dryer so the tablecloth wouldn’t have to sit wet all night and get that weird smell and have to be washed all over again…when I got attacked by a moth-bat.
Now if you’re unfamiliar with the monster, moth-bats are very evil things. They are very large moths that look like bats without your contacts in. Very scary, especially when you’re roommates are gone for the night.
The whole horror started when I heard this repeated thumping on the ceiling. I got scared, thinking it was footsteps upstairs, when I saw a shadow following the horrific thumping. I looked up (and not very far because I practically touch the top of my ceiling) and freaked out because something big was fluttering around right near my head, thumping its nasty self on my ceiling. I ran to my room and grabbed my glasses to discover, in full 20/20 vision glory, the most ginormous moth perched on my wall, wings spread and ready to attack. I’ve always had an aversion to anything that can fly, except, of course, fairies and butterflies. The evil twin of butterflies, the furry and up-to-no-good moth, is up there on my list of things to avoid, along with rapists, robbers, murderers, spiders, snakes and Savage Garden.
After a few moments of deliberation about how to proceed, I decide to kill it. I would man up and face this demon. I didn’t know what to kill it with since there’s no fly swatter in the world that would be strong enough to crush those thick, furry, disgusting wings—plus we don’t have one—so I grabbed the broom with the dustpan attached and planned my attack. I crept back down the stairs to the moth- bat still perched on the wall and took a deep breath, mustering all of the courage I had. I knew I had just one chance. One chance alone. I held that breath I’d just taken and lunged. If you saw me play softball last week, you may know that this story isn’t taking a good turn. I was the one where people kept saying to me, “Nice effort. That wasn’t so bad” when in reality, I struck out, so yeah it actually was so bad.
As for the attempt to destroy my sickening predator, it all happened in slow motion. I guess I missed because suddenly, a hairy monster came flying angrily toward me. I couldn’t see where it went. I screamed bloody murder, shaking my hair up and down, sure it had nestled itself in those long locks that were very unruly from being previously in bed. Instead, it was actually flying crazily all around me, all around everything, unpredictable, dangerous. At least it didn’t get it my hair, holy heavens. I ran into my room and stuffed some pants in the small space under the door, my poor little heart pounding at full speed when it should have been peacefully beating, already in dream land. Then I waited…until tomorrow morning.
In the morning I had to watch every step, not a clue where the moth-bat had gone. It was the worst and most terrifying morning in the world. A fly buzzed in my face and I almost had a heart attack, thinking it was him, Barf-wings the Moth-bat. Although I could feel sickening fluttering and wings around me all day, I didn’t have a run in with him again until I came home from work and there he was, lying on my sofa, acting like he owed the place.
Fortunately, my friend was there and said he was dead. I couldn’t bring myself to go near the thing, so she took a napkin to crunch the thing and it was alive! It got angry and wanted to fly away so she threw it in the toilet where it started trying to fly around and around. As you can imagine, I was so scared I could have peed right there, but I couldn’t because Barf-wings was in my toiled!! Jessie had enough bravery to flush it down while I quivered in the corner of the bathroom, ready to die if moth-bat didn’t kill me first. And so it happened. He was washed down the toilet and my life began anew. Welcome, Lora, to a moth-bat-free life full of sunshine and peace.
I just hope he didn’t lay any moth-bat baby eggs anywhere.
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